well something in me just clicked. today in my class i was teaching the girls about when lehi was given the liahona and when nephi broke his bow and they were all starved and murmuring against Heavenly Father, nephi went out and made a new one and asked lehi where he should go and kept his faith in Heavenly Father and was then guided by the liahona to where the food was all because of his diligence and faith.
FAITH.
faith seems to be the resounding message i am getting not only from these lessons that i am teaching my girls, but in my own personal scripture study. faith. faith. faith. think Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something?! for the last year and change i have been utterly scared to go out and venture into the world on my own because quite frankly i am flat out traumatized by the way things turned out last time. things that i put myself through and things that happened to me. and little things in my life keep happenening. things that are causing the ripple affect. and i become inspired to go out and do something, but in the end i talk myself out of it by telling myself things like it's the wrong time or that it just doesn't feel right. like it says in nephi 16:29 "...and thus we see that by small means the lord can bring about great things."
to me all these "little" things that keep happenening to me are not a coincidence. i think it's all just apart of Heavenly Father's plan to open my eyes so i can see that i am the only one holding myself back. because i don't have faith in myself, i am not putting any faith in my Heavenly Father that he knows way better than i do which way i need to go. and for whatever reason, everything just seemed to click and hit me like a bus just this instant.
this whole time i keep taking the easy road and i just keep waiting for the right time or opportunities to just find me. like magic or something. but i am not doing anything about it. well i'll tell you what... i keep thinking about my new years goal (which is to finish SOMETHING) and honestly, i am just so darn sick and tired with myself always taking the easy road. for once i want to take on the path of least resistance and just DO SOMETHING with my life. i feel like i am just wasting SO much dang time because i am scared. because i have become so comfortable in my little hidey hole. i have built up so many walls, afraid to feel anything. happiness, sadness, love, joy. i feel safe when i'm numb. and being safe is getting me nowhere. and nowhere is going to leave alone and comfortable. and i didn't even realize it til just now.
i think it is high time that i exert a little faith Heavenly Father deserves and just go after something. all i know is living in this town, as nice as it can be, is killing me. okay maybe not killing me but i am just too content with being alone. and that scares me because i don't want to be alone.
like it says it proverbs 3:5-6 "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."
i trusted Heavenly Father to lead me back here so that i could get the support that i needed to get back to good jess again. and i think it's a little time i have worn out my welcome. i realize now that i need to trust Heavenly Father to lead me to the next place i am meant to be, so i can meet the people i need to meet and experience new things in my life so i can now continue to grow and flourish. because right now i kinda realize i have definitely plateaued. after all, the greater the risk, the greater the reward. and how can Heavenly Father help us if we are not helping ourselves?? he can't.
i just love when the picture comes together for me. i'm going to do this. i am so blessed. so far beyond anything i'm sure i deserve and i am so grateful for the scriptures and for personal prayer and just life experiences that just keep guiding me and pushing me to the places i am meant to be. i know my Heavenly Father loves me. that is something i could never, ever doubt.
life is so beautiful. i love it. :)
p.s. welcome to the crazy life of jess. next stop:
I love you jess!! It is so crazy how Heavenly Father guides us. I have been going through challenges too as a new mom, and let me tell you...the Lord has me in mind more than I realize. He lifts us up, protects us, and when we just want to give up, when we think we have done all we can do and we are ready to just clock out...the Lord lets us know we cannot do that. But rather we have to keep on and he will do what we cannot do for ourselves. You are right, it takes FAITH! It takes us being willing to ACT. When we act, He can guide our hearts and minds! I needed your post
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