small things bring to pass great and marvelous things.

well something in me just clicked. today in my class i was teaching the girls about when lehi was given the liahona and when nephi broke his bow and they were all starved and murmuring against Heavenly Father, nephi went out and made a new one and asked lehi where he should go and kept his faith in Heavenly Father and was then guided by the liahona to where the food was all because of his diligence and faith.

FAITH.

faith seems to be the resounding message i am getting not only from these lessons that i am teaching my girls, but in my own personal scripture study. faith. faith. faith. think Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something?! for the last year and change i have been utterly scared to go out and venture into the world on my own because quite frankly i am flat out traumatized by the way things turned out last time. things that i put myself through and things that happened to me. and little things in my life keep happenening. things that are causing the ripple affect. and i become inspired to go out and do something, but in the end i talk myself out of it by telling myself things like it's the wrong time or that it just doesn't feel right. like it says in nephi 16:29 "...and thus we see that by small means the lord can bring about great things." 

to me all these "little" things that keep happenening to me are not a coincidence. i think it's all just apart of Heavenly Father's plan to open my eyes so i can see that i am the only one holding myself back. because i don't have faith in myself, i am not putting any faith in my Heavenly Father that he knows way better than i do which way i need to go. and for whatever reason, everything just seemed to click and hit me like a bus just this instant. 

this whole time i keep taking the easy road and i just keep waiting for the right time or opportunities to just find me. like magic or something. but i am not doing anything about it. well i'll tell you what... i keep thinking about my new years goal (which is to finish SOMETHING) and honestly, i am just so darn sick and tired with myself always taking the easy road. for once i want to take on the path of least resistance and just DO SOMETHING with my life. i feel like i am just wasting SO much dang time because i am scared. because i have become so comfortable in my little hidey hole. i have built up so many walls, afraid to feel anything. happiness, sadness, love, joy. i feel safe when i'm numb. and being safe is getting me nowhere. and nowhere is going to leave alone and comfortable. and i didn't even realize it til just now. 

i think it is high time that i exert a little faith Heavenly Father deserves and just go after something. all i know is living in this town, as nice as it can be, is killing me. okay maybe not killing me but i am just too content with being alone. and that scares me because i don't want to be alone.

like it says it proverbs 3:5-6 "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."

i trusted Heavenly Father to lead me back here so that i could get the support that i needed to get back to good jess again. and i think it's a little time i have worn out my welcome. i realize now that i need to trust Heavenly Father to lead me to the next place i am meant to be, so i can meet the people i need to meet and experience new things in my life so i can now continue to grow and flourish. because right now i kinda realize i have definitely plateaued. after all, the greater the risk, the greater the reward. and how can Heavenly Father help us if we are not helping ourselves?? he can't. 

i just love when the picture comes together for me. i'm going to do this. i am so blessed. so far beyond anything i'm sure i deserve and i am so grateful for the scriptures and for personal prayer and just life experiences that just keep guiding me and pushing me to the places i am meant to be. i know my Heavenly Father loves me. that is something i could never, ever doubt.

life is so beautiful. i love it. :)

p.s. welcome to the crazy life of jess. next stop:

not there yet. :)

my motto for this year. :)

everyday i'm a little closer, a little stronger, a little more wiser.

not where i want to be yet, 

but if i work hard everyday, then everyday i'm a little closer than i was yesterday. 

i love life so much. 

my thought for the day :)

1 Nephi 4:6

And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.

faith. this is a tough topic to define. because i think to different people having faith means different things and the word faith itself is sometimes open to interpretation. this scripture was part of the lesson i taught to my girls last sunday and all week it has just really stuck with me. i pondered on all the times i just did things because i knew they were right and used my faith in Heavenly Father that he would get me through as long as i kept doing what i felt to be right. and i also pondered on all the times i've lost my faith. so i'm only human and at times i do fall flat on my face. i'll be the first one to stand up and admit that. 

but back to faith. to me it means to believe and hope in things that you know to be true even though there is nothing tangible to explain why. i've never seen Jesus. but i know that he lived and died for me on the cross. i know that he loved me so much, that he suffered for all the sins i will commit in my lifetime so i can make them right again. i know this. i've experienced it. and i know despite all my shortcomings, he loves me. 

i've never seen Heavenly Father. but i know that he is there with a bigger plan for me than i could ever even begin to hope for. and i know that in my times of weakness or trials if i lean on him he will make up for where i fall short. i know that he has given me many tools to help me know what is right and what is wrong so that when trials and temptation come my way, i'll be able to recognize it and make the right choices. 

i have really learned what it means to have faith and how much it pays off in the end. i wont go into detail because i know i talked about it on my other blog, but bottom line, i knew at one point that i needed to move back to nebraska. i knew i needed to make things right in my life. and i knew that i wanted to want it. i wanted to want to go back to church and feel that joy and peace. but i just didn't want to stop what i was doing and i know that heavenly father knew that i wouldn't be able to do it alone. and the spirit whispered to me all the things i needed to do at a time i probably wasn't doing anything worth deserving any guidance. but like i said, Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me than i could ever have for myself. and so on my faith, i moved home, and i have worked my butt off to be a good person, to live a life worthy to go into the beautiful temple, to be a good example so i can share my story of being lost and found. and in return, i have been blessed so immensely! i have more mental strength than i have ever had before. i am so much stronger now than i could have ever even hoped for. i know that Heavenly Father has helped me out in the times i fall short. but most importantly, i have faith now. i know that if i do all that i can and have faith in Him he will never lead me astray. and i know that if i strive to live a Christ-like life; a life full of love, forgiveness, charity and understanding, that i will be blessed with joy beyond belief. i just know i need to have faith the same way that Nephi did. believing in spite of everything because you know it in your heart to be true. there is no unhappy ending if you follow down a road of faith. :)

making a change!

so i have somehow managed to turn a crazy addication (ahem, pinterest) into something most positive! not only has this been an excellent source for me spitritually, but physcially and mentally. so it's not like i sit on pinterest all day, everyday. okay maybe the first day or so. don't judge. lol. but at some point i managed to stumble into the fitness category of this website and everyday i find the inspiration i need to push through the day. this week i have really been focusing on the kinds of food i put into my mouth. and while i don't eat terribly, there is huge room for improvement. i have just been taking this a day at a time, the same way i did with my repentance of last year. and i have made it through the week!! i am really hoping i can stick with this because i know that fit isn't some sort of destination, but in fact a way of life. for once i want to be fit. i have been heavy and i have been skinny but at no point have i been just fit. i realized that life is too short to not be happy with yourself and the way you look.

some of my favorite things i have discovered this week:

i LOVE blackberries! it's so weird because i have never been much of a berry person. and i must say that the blackberries i have been eating have NOTHING on the wild fresh berries of washington state.

oikos greek yogurt has made my world go round!! i have tried chiobani and i liked it just fine, but this oikos stuff is as good as ice cream to me! and i have honestly leaned on this stuff all week because the first week of any diet change is brutal.

this morning i made an egg white omelette with quinoa and spinach. and on top i put some of my mama's yummy home made salsa. and big shock... NO SALT. i didn't put one ounce of salt on this yummy omelette. go me!

and then for lucnh today i made and egg white burrito with some mozarella/provolone cheese blend with half of an avocado. and i used those yummy carb balance tortillas. it was amazing!!! and again... NO SALT!

i've worked out everyday this week and honestly i feel really great! so thank you pinterest and the inspiration you have brought to my life!! everynight before bed, i blog surf from pinterest of girls who have changed their way of life and look phenomenal now! it really pushes myself mentally that if these girls can do it, than why the heck can't i??

i'm super excited for the second week of this. :)

a little something extra.

we love tucker.

busy baker!

 

i really wish i had more pictures to show!! okay these wonderful cupcakes are (from left to right): salted caramel hot chocolate cupcakes with marshmallow buttercream frosting, white cake cupcakes with a coconut buttercream frosting, and then maple cupcakes with maple-nutmeg buttercream frosting topped with bacon pieces. creative right?!?!! oh man i love baking SO much! since then i have also made but no pictures.. the yummiest chocolate cupcakes that tasted like cocoa puffs that had a dark chocolate buttercream made from melted chocolate. and i also made red velvet cupcakes that had white chocolate cream cheese frosting! and last night i made my dad a spice cake made from scratch that has a yummy brown sugar spice buttercream filling and cream cheese frosting. so good! but i cooked a little too long so it was a tad bit dry. i have also made super yummy fudge and home made marshmallows, which are in fact on top of the hot chocolate cupcakes. i've been busy and my creative juices are totally flowing!!

catching up a bit.

well xmas came and went and lo and behold: NO SNOW! bummer. but i did get some awesome stuff! this year in my family we did a name draw and bought gifts for just one person with a set spending limit and i actually liked it a lot! my dad drew my name. :)

 so cute! my dad bought me a freaking KITCHENAID.

 this was by far the best present i got! my dad picked out the patterns. one side is baseballs and the other is this cute red and white polka dots. his idea was an Angel's baseball blanky. 

(p.s. cant wait til baseball season. we got Pujols! ;) )

i love this blanket so much. and i love my dad even more. i honestly think i have the best dad on the wole planet. 

i also got a babycakes maker that i finally just bought liners for, so i will be experimenting veryyy soon.

and this is a pic of how cute my presents were. my dad wrapped him all by himself. 

okay okay. so it's been a couple months.

like always with my forgetful mind, it just doesn't always occur to me to write on my blog. but today i just felt this overwhelming urge to write. 

every year at the beginning i set a goal for myself for the year. and i have to say for the last 5 years or so i have actually held to it. some of my past goals were to gain a testimony of the book of mormon. the year after that was to find joy in the journey of life and not focus so much much on what did or didn't happen. and last year my goal was to make myself whole spiritually again. not for anyone but myself. and let me tell you.. i worked HARD! now the last month or so i have been slacking a little bit and luckily over the course of the last couple days i've gotten the kick that i needed. :)

okay now to unleash my goal for this year. i want to prove to myself that i CAN. i want to start something and actually push myself to finish it. i want to take the road less travelled for once. and honestly i am a little scared. it actually gives me a little anxiety to think about reaching beyond my comfort zone! but i need to do this. whether it is getting into some real shape and making a healthy lifestyle change as far as eating. (even though i don't really eat that bad, i just really love carbonated drinks and gummy bears.) or to finally FINISH my degree at chool. or to finally finish paying off my stupid burden of a student loan! i just need to finish something! this new year goal didn't come to me right off the bat, it actually has just really hit me the last couple of days or so. but i know i need to do it. i know that i am the worst of not doing or doing the complete opposite of everything i say i am going to do, so i'm not going to make any definite decisions. i'm just gonna chunk away at everything a little bit at a time. i'm making plans in my head of my attack technique for each of those things. but i am promising myself that by this time next year, at least one of those things IS going to be done. 

it's all about faith and believing in yourself and remembering that heavenly father believes in you too. 

i would like to thank my mom for getting me hopelessly addicted to pinterest. because everyday i get on there i feel just so motivated to make some changes! if i take it a day at a time and not think about tomorrow or yesterday i can do this. just think about today jess. you need to set little goals and accomplish them before you can tackle the big things. i just know that now that i've worked on myself spiritually, it's time to pay attention to myself mentally and physically. i'm going to do this. you can do it jess! :)

oh beautiful month of november.

okay so maybe as far as looks, it's not so much beautiful. we're in that in between where all the leaves have dropped and the weather still can't decide if it's fall or winter. and personally i'm still a little okay that it's not full on snowing yet. but it's coming, i know it! i'm already counting down til christmas. hehe i can't wait to get a kindle. ;)

but just in general, my life is such a beautiful blessing. like i'm sure i've said a thousand times, i look back at my life exactly a year ago from today and i am just awestruck. SO much has changed in nothing but good, amazing, great, and crazy ways!! i mean tomorrow i'm going to become an auntie to what i know is going to be the most beautiful little girl who is so wonderfully blessed to have my best friend trisha as her mother. i'm just so overwhelmed by the blessings and the people in my life. the next few days i really want to focus on the things i'm grateful for. man it's just crazy! 

well first off i am so grateful for my beautiful family who has been there to support me and love me despite how far i fell down into a hole. they were there when i wanted so desperately to climb out. i am so grateful for my parents' testimonies of this amazing gospel and the blessing of eternal families and eternal perspectives. there is so much more to life than we'll ever understand in the moment and i'm so grateful for my family to help remind me everyday how blessed i am. i know that i am so SO lucky to have the kind of family dynamic that we have because we are so close and we depend on each other and love each other and i know that no matter what i do or what happens in life they will always be my biggest support system of all. i am so grateful i am sealed to these crazies because i wouldn't have any of it any other way. and i can't forget tyrell, my new brother. thank you so much for being such a great man being there for krystina. you really are an answered prayer for all of us. we love you!! :)

i am so grateful for all my friends in my life right now. trisha you are the best friend i could ever ask for because depsite all of my short comings you are always there with open arms whenever i need it. you have been the biggest inspiration to me in my life thus far and i hope in time when i finally settle down and start a family that i can be just like you. so strong in your testimony and so strong in going after what you want. i love you more than you will ever know, and you are going to be such an amazing mommy! thank you so much for sticking with me this last year and being patient and loving with me while i figured everything out and sorted through the mess i made. here's to many many years of friendship!! and maybe and eternity hehe ;)

to my friends at ken and dale's: man you girls are awesome! you have really helped me feel like i can be me and be weird and crazy and just not care about what anyone thinks or says about it. and i need that because i used to be that way, and i feel like i can be that way again! and i am sure working on it! :)

i know this next one is a little out in left field, but this is to kenz... so far you have been the biggest game changer in my life. and i never understood to what extent until now a year later. and i'm sure there is more i'll learn. i am grateful for the efforts you made to keep me grounded when i just jumped right off that cliff. but more than anything i am just grateful for all the time we spent together and all the memories i have. no matter how jumbled and messy and complicated everything got in the end. it was all worth it to me and it still is. if i would have never met you, i would not be in this place in life where i am now. for the first time things are all starting to fall into place i am finally able to figure out what it is i really want to do and out of life. you are the first person i was actually able to just be myself with, the first person i was utterly and totally comfortable with, the first person who just tell me like it is and call me out on all my b.s. and i am so so grateful for that. and to be completely honest, i miss that. i hope one day we can get back to being good friends again. i know it was only a really short period that we actually got to spend together, but it has made such a HUGE impact on my life in everyway possible. i attribute everything that i am today to knowing you, to everything that happened. it's a beautiful thing when you can forgive someone, and i hope one day i can tell you that everything in the past is now just there. when i look back, i can't even remember half of what all the frustrations were. besides the point tho. thank you for walking (actually more like barging, lol) into my life last september and showing me all the things that you did, and going through all of that with me. and for dealing with all my bipolar rants and crap. whether it was deserved or not, i don't even remember. just know that knowing you was the single-most important event in my life. and i am so grateful for you and for everything that has happened since then. 

i am so grateful for this beautiful house that i live in. it was just the thing i needed when i moved home in december because had we lived in that apartment, i don't think i would have made a fraction of the progress i have made over the last year. it has been a crazy amazing year, and it's nice to come home to a place where i feel 'HOME.' to a place where i can so freely feel the spirit. and the view from my living room window is a reminder to me that heavenly father loves us so much. and i know he is mindful of all the things we need and want and pray for. i know if you pray to him, he will always give jus what you need right at the moment you need it the most. 

i'm sure over the next few days i'll think of more things to be grateful for, and i hope that this year on thanksgiving i can really appreciate the holiday for what it was really meant to be. there really is so much to be grateful for and i am just so filled with joy in my life.

well folks, i suppose it's time to go finish getting ready for work. :)

remember life is beautiful. :)